September 1999
"Women Drivers!"
(Score: 9.2)
I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving
to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my
left and there was a woman in a red Mustang doing 85 miles
per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror
putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back,
she was halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so badly, I dropped my electric shaver in my
coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!
October 1999
October''s Winning Humor Entry
"Sermon Gone Wrong"
(Scored 7.96)
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of
about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the
dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood
stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So
we''ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will
get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn''t be
having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into
a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don''t you boys know
it''s a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I
never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was
beginning to think he''d gotten through to them, the smallest boy
gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
November 1999
November''s Winning Humor Entry
"If You Can?"
(Scored 8.4)
December 1999
December''s Winning Humor Entry
"Son-in-law''s Faith"
(Scored 8.7)
A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Bible scholar." he replies.
"A Bible scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she''s accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don''t worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I''m God."

January 2000
January''s Winning Humor Entry
"The Computer Gender"
(Scored 8.7)
A language instructor was explaining to her class the French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Items like "chalk," or "pencil," she described, would have a gender association although in English these words would be considered neutral.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn''t certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine.
One group was composed of the women in the class and the other of the men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons in support of their recommendation.
The women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine voice because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn off the television.
2. They can store vast amounts of data, but cannot reason.
3. The are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realized that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
February 2000
February''s Winning Humor Entry
"Liberal Education Fails Against Faith"
(Scored 9.4; highest score in our history.)
Scene - A suburban city school in Toronto.
A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I''m not an atheist."
Then, asks the teacher, what are you?
"I''m a Christian."
The teacher is a little perturbed now. her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.
"Well, my mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."
The teacher is now angry. "That''s no reason," she says loudly. "What about if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile.
"Then," says Lucy, "I''d be an atheist."
March 2000
March''s Winning Humor Entry
"The Sandwich"
(Scored 9.0)
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard ''Poupon.''"
April 2000
Apirl''s Winning Humor Entry
"The Pilot"
(Scored 9.1)
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we''re going to be in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!
May 2000
May''s Winning Humor Entry
(Scored 9.0)
1. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
2. There''s nothing left to learn the hard way.
3. Things you buy now won''t wear out.
4. You enjoy hearing about other people''s operations.
5. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
6. You got cable for the weather channel.
7. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
8. Your back goes out more than you do.
9. Your eyes won''t get much worse.
10. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
11. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can''t remember
them either.
12. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
13. People send you this list.
[I stopped laughing when I realized I was sent this list. -DM]
Humor Contest has been ended due to financial problems. God bless you. -DM Pearly Gates

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”

“Okay,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”

“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”

“Three points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service.”

“Terrific!” says St. Peter, “that’s certainly worth a point.”

“One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”

“Fantasic, that’s good for two more points,” he says.

“TWO POINTS!!” the man cries, “At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!”

“Come on in!”