He was with Me
For many years, I believed I was nobody. I knew my opinions were not
important and what I had to say was insignificant. I really wasn’t
sure I was even supposed to be here. The more I believed this the
quieter I became. I was always afraid of saying the wrong thing and
making someone mad.
I could not make friends. I never knew what to say. I was always
uncomfortable. I just did not feel like I belonged anywhere. I was
always scared, terrified really.
As I grew up, I was always afraid of people seeing me, looking at me
and what they thought. I worried about what they would say or think
about me. I was convinced that I was offensive in how I walked, looked
or even talked. I was constantly aware of the way I felt I did not
I have always tried to make everyone happy. I was terrified of
discord. I did what I did to please this person or that person. I did
what I did to make people happy. I even became a teacher because I
thought that was what I was “supposed” to do. I found I was just not a
I continued to fade into the background as an adult. I was always
morphing into someone else. I never felt like I was doing anything
right. I was scared to even speak to anyone. I was frozen by the fear
that I would upset someone.
I was frustrated with the way I looked and felt. I eventually turned
to exercise for an outlet. I seemed to be good at it and even thought
I enjoyed it. I could really push myself. The big problem, though, was
that I really never saw any changes when I looked at myself. I thought
that ifl could change the way I looked on the outside, I would feel
better about myself. I even thought it might make people like me.
As time went on I found that I was good at keeping to my exercise
schedule. I always did it. I was afraid not to for fear of never
starting again. I thought I was lazy. The more I exercised the less
hungry I was, therefore, the less I ate. This process continued,
viciously. Suddenly, I found myself excited, the numbers were down yet
at the same time I still did not see the difference in the mirror. My
doubts were enormous. If I could not see it, it must not be true. I
began panicking every time I ate anything. As you can tell, I was
quickly spiraling down into a terrible pit of worthlessness. The more
I wanted to make everyone happy, the more I was scared to exist, the
more I physically dwindled away.
Nearly dead, God reached out and picked me up. He held me in His arms
and nurtured me back to this world. He cared for me, waiting patiently
for the time when I was ready to listen to Him. During this time I
went bad: and forth from good to bad.
From a very young age I knew He was with me. I believed. I was not
really brought up in church but my family did show a strong faith in
God. I had faith in Him I just did not really know where to look for
Him. It’s funny, now, He was always right here in front ofme.
The one thing I really did not understand or believe until a few years
ago was that God loves me. When I was ready to hear, He said, “Pick
yourself up and do what you are supposed to do! I Am here and I love
you. It is time.”
He showed me how to take care of myself and how I was able to take
care ofmy family. He constantly shows me why I am, who He is and how
and why He loves me.
My experience is as unique and personal to me as is any other persons.
I felt the presence of the Lord God, one morning while sitting in a
pew in church.
The Lord has given me my life back. He gave me another chance to live
life. I was in a horribly destructive cycle. I nearly killed myself
many times. I believe God never lost faith in me. He wants me to live.
I am in His plan.
I have quite a life now. Basically it is the same as it was before I
tried to throw it all away. I have a wonderful husband, two healthy
boys, a lovely stepdaughter and two dogs (my babies). We live life
simply but happily in a townhouse with mismatched furniture. Between
hospitalizations and doctor bills we had to sell our house, cars and
all. Through faith and patience things are turning around, slowly. We
have safe cars again and we are able to feed ourselves. We laugh often
and enjoy the blessed life that we have.
For the first time in my life, I am not terribly concerned what people
think ofme. I really don’t know if they even notice me. I am only
trying to please Him.
I have truly been able to enjoy the life He has given me, free ofugly
thoughts, doubts and unnecessary concerns. He is my life, I live
because of Him.