Change from the inside out
By Barbara Comito
By Barbara Comito
Union Gospel Mission
Dean Lynch, 45, came to the Union Gospel Mission
Men’s Shelter on
December 27, 2011 after losing his job, his truck,
his apartment, his
girlfriend…and his mind.
“I was having what I call violent episodes…I
would snap, and I
really wouldn’t know what I was doing at the time.
Eventually, I would
come out of it, like a tunnel vision where I would
look around and see
the devastation I had caused…I was scared I was
going to kill
somebody.”
Dean remembers several casual interactions
with strangers that
triggered a violent response on his part: an
encounter on the bus,
coming out of Safeway, and just walking down the
road when a bicyclist
passed too closely.
After threatening an employee at Washington
State Labor &
Industry, Dean was assigned a lawyer who
eventually convinced him to
check into Sacred Heart Medical Center.
Dean was in the psychiatric unit for a week
where he was
prescribed eight different medications to manage
his anxiety,
depression, suicidal ideation, and violent
outbursts.
“I was a zombie.”
While Dean hasn’t had a violent episode since
his hospital stay,
he wasn’t really himself for the first year
either. In fact, the UGM
Men’s Recovery team rejected his first two
applications to join the
program because they thought he was too heavily
medicated to do the
hard work of recovery. People around Dean likened
him to a zombie.
After being turned down for the program, Dean
didn’t give up.
“I knew who I was. I had a good idea of who I
wanted to be. And
for me to do that, I needed to change pretty much
everything.” He was
convinced the Mission’s long-term recovery program
was the best way to
make that happen; so he went back to his doctor,
and together they
started reducing his dependence on medication.
“From large dosages of eight different
medications, I’m down to
three and still continuing one at a time to reduce
the dosages.”
The third time he applied for the UGM LIFE
Recovery program, he
was accepted. And so began the hardest work of
Dean’s life.
Here’s what UGM’s LIFE Recovery teams want
you to know: While
Dean was homeless and jobless before coming to the
Mission, those
circumstances were actually symptoms of a much
deeper problem. Dean
had a good work ethic. He had been a member of the
Coast Guard for
four years and worked steadily both before and
after, paying bills,
managing daily responsibilities. But underneath
that functional
exterior was a core of unaddressed pain that
refused to be ignored any
longer. The medications masked the pain, but true
healing required
something more.
“I am vulnerable.”
The last thing Dean ever wanted to be was
vulnerable.
After his mom’s death when he was seven, he
grew up with his dad
and three brothers.
“It was a very macho atmosphere…I can
remember the day my mom
passed away, and it was never really a topic that
was acceptable to
talk about. The dynamic of the house was that, if
you showed your
emotions, you were pounced on, picked on, made the
example. So I
learned very early to stifle my emotions.”
He also learned to fight. “As far back as I
can remember –
fighting – I’ve always been good at it. We used to
box as a means of
discipline.” When he and his brothers fought, his
dad had them put on
boxing gloves and “go outside and finish it.”
Looking back, Dean believes he’s had a level
of depression his
entire life but no idea how to deal with those
feelings of sadness and
loss; so he repressed them. At the same time, he
cut himself off from
relationships. His mindset was: “I don’t need
anybody. I can do this
myself. All you’ve got to do is make it through
the day and dig in
again the next day and you’ve made it through.”
Until suddenly you can’t.
Change from the inside out
The stirrings of change began in Dean as he
sat in evening chapel
services. “I really didn’t want to be there. I
don’t know if it was
the sermon or the hymns, but I would fall into
thoughts of my past and
what I’d done. And I would literally feel like I
was being persecuted…
to the point where I would break down and cry the
majority of the
time.”
Eventually, Dean recognized the Spirit at
work. “I gave myself
over to the Lord February 24, 2012, and ever since
then, it’s been an
adventure. I’ve just been hungry for everything.”
When he was accepted into the program, Dean
decided, “I was gonna
be as teachable as I could, be open to endless
possibilities. When the
going gets tough, I’m not gonna back off. I am
gonna give it my all.”
And Dean was true to his word. He finished
the program in August
and was hired by Jet Seal, the manufacturing
company where he
completed his business practicum. He attends
church and small group
and has two godly mentors. Most importantly, real
change has been
wrought in Dean’s life.
Just a few of the paradigm shifts to which
Dean points as
evidence of that change:
· Positive vs. Negative: “Before I was
negative and selfish
and dark. I look at things differently now. I look
for the positive.”
· Relationship vs. Isolation: “The first two
weeks I was here I
didn’t say a word to anybody unless I had to. Now,
I realize I’m built
for relationships. I have a relationship with the
Lord. I’m open and
making the effort to connect and engage with
others. That wasn’t part
of the game before.”
· Impenetrable vs. Vulnerable: “I had
basically shut down and
stifled and never addressed the trauma in my life.
Now, I realize I
need to put myself out there and make myself
vulnerable.”
Dean admits he still feels tempted toward
violence on occasion,
but he hasn’t acted on it, and that kind of
impulse control is a huge
change in and of itself.
“I’m looking to establish relationships and
just live life
positively and differently. Different is a big
word for me.”
Go to uniongospelmission.org/trauma to learn
more about the role
trauma plays in the lives of the men and women in
UGM’s LIFE Recovery.
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