God's Hand on My Life

I have always believed in God but until this past year I believed that God really didn''t care much about little ole me and my problems. Boy was I ever wrong. I was living in the world and I thought I was doing ok without God in my life. Wrong again! My family and I moved to the northwest (Spokane) in February of 1998 from Houston, Texas. My husband was a nurse at Sacred Heart Medical Center and I was a nursing student at WSU/ICN. Life was on the right track. We had just bought a new home in the valley and all seemed to be going well. We seemed to be the perfect All-American family. Two children, three cats, and two dogs. New cars and a boat the envy of the neighbors. What we didn''t share with others was my husbands and my growing meth addiction. I first tried meth on August 13, 1999 and I had no idea how this "party" drug would destroy my family. My husband''s family not only introduced meth to me but also soon became our dealer. Meth would destroy my security, my children''s life, and my All-American dream. On June 5, 2002 my husband went on a short-lived robbery spree and ended up with 9 felony counts and is currently serving a 22 months sentence in Walla Walla. Instead of this tragedy putting a stop to my drug use I began to use more to cover my fears, pain, and depression. Soon I was asked to leave school and with no means of supporting my two children our home went into foreclosure proceedings. Still I did not stop using meth. Instead I began selling and took the next step in my addiction and began shooting (slamming) meth for the bigger and better high.
On March 3, 2002 God stopped me dead in my tracks. I didn''t know it was God at the time but I was arrested in Spokane on a fugitive warrant out of Idaho. I was accused of burglary. I was extradited to Kootenai County and as I sit in jail my so-called friends emptied my house of any and all valuables. My mother-in-law and dealer took my children. I had hit rock bottom. I cried out to God, "Why? Why?". I attended any and all self-help classes offered at the jail. Alcoholic Anonymous, church, Bible studies, counseling with the Chaplin''s, and drug education. You name it and I was there attendance. Through attendance in these classes I was able to meet Charles and Wanda Murrel and Pastor Tim Remington.
I had been in jail for 65 days when I realized that I truly needed to be delivered from my drug addiction. Ironically though I still did not want to commit myself 100% to any program. I knew one thing and one thing only I wanted out of jail and I would do or say anything to accomplish that. My socalled friends paid my bail 6 times and I was unable to walk out of jail for one reason or another. God was trying to get my attention and I still was trying to work the system. I had a release hearing scheduled for May 16th approaching and I knew I needed a treatment plan to present to the judge in order to be released. God knew what I was feeling in my heart but he also knew that I would not be able to con everyone for the 4-month period required for treatment.
On May 25, 2002, after 82 days in jail I was released. The judge released me under very strict conditions. One of which was my attendance to Calvary Ranch in San Diego California. This is a 30-day in-patient drug and alcohol program. I left for sunny California on June 6, 2002. To me Calvary Ranch was like jail and I bucked all the rules and tried to get away with as much as I could. I was miserable and I was making everyone around me miserable. I tried to pray and it felt like all my prayers bounced off the ceiling. Why was everyone else happy but not me? I can answer this now .. .I had not given it all to God. On June 27th I prayed like never before and I asked God to please help me find my way to Him. God was faithful and I was answered while I was reading the scriptures the following day. The Bible came alive as I read; "Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you." My God really cared about me. Hebrews Chapter 10, 11, 12, and 13 allowed the Bible to become more than just words for me. I felt like Helen Keller and the break through she must have felt to know that a certain sign ment W-A-T-E-R. Praise God!!
After the ranch I returned to Idaho and began the 90-day Good Samaritan Mentor program. This is a program where the addict lives with a Christian family and learns to live a healthy life style. Things did not always go easy for me in the Mentor program but thank God that Pastor Tim did not give up on me and he had faith that God could heal me and make me a Godly woman and a Godly mother for my children. Pastor Tim and others have had stood in the gap for me on many occasions. I often give everything to God and then slowly take back all that I give. I have extreme issues with men and trust and I pray every day for the Lords help in these areas. God has held my hand on so many days this last 6 months. He has brought the perfect people into my life, as I have needed them.
I still have legal problems to deal with and my mother-in-law still will not let me see or speak with my children but I know that God knows my hearts desires and I know he will restore my family in HIS time not mine. If I end up going to prison I know too that this will have a purpose. I sowed a lot of bad seeds and my actions have consequences. I am learning for the first time in my life to accept full responsibility for all my actions. I am responsible for everything that I do no ands if or but about it. Thank God there are people in the world like Pastor Tim Remington and Delilah Wild. People that see potential in others. People that see what other people can become and not what people are. People that see others through Gods eyes.