IT’S OKAY – I’M HERE
Darcy Allen
I met Him in the tiniest room there was in this small white church
that I had never attended before until that weekend. As I closed my
eyes to pray with faith for the first time, I didn''t feel like I was
in that small room anymore. I was consumed and surrounded by God''s
presence, amazing grace, forgiveness and unconditional love. I felt
like I was talking to Him face to face; that I was before His throne
in heaven. I felt protected and safe. I had never felt that
unexplainable feeling before at that moment until then. I knew He was
listening and I could feel the party that was going on in heaven as I
accepted and made Jesus the Lord and Savior of my life! This happened
for me at a purity weekend in late May of 2008. I walked out of those
church doors that weekend with weights of burdens, worry, fear, and
doubt lifted and I was changed from the inside out! But before this
weekend ever happened life wasn''t so easy and I was in the search for
healing, love, meaning -- in search of something bigger. I was in
search of God.
I never really grew up in a Christian home, even though my family
always believed that there was a God but didn''t live for Him. I would
jump back and forth, living with my mom and dad at times, and then my
aunt and uncle up until I was nine. As I jumped from home to home, I
began being sexually abused by more than one person and physically
abused by my dad. At nine I went to live with my aunt and uncle
permanently. My aunt taught me how to pray and I am so thankful for
all my aunt and uncle have done and continue to do. But somehow I felt
like it wasn''t enough and I got stubborn and rebellious at the age of
thirteen and went back to live with my mom (by this time my mom and
dad were split up and about to get divorced). I then began to question
if there really was a God.
It wasn''t easy going back and living with my mom. She drank a lot and
hardly was home. When I lived with her I really couldn''t call the many
places we lived home. We lived in motel and hotel rooms and various
other places that we kept getting kicked out of, and finally she has
kept and is living in a trailer that they can call home now. But at
the time I had to take care of my younger sister and brother and
learned to do the basic stuff like cooking, cleaning, etc., on my own.
I grew up poor. I had no running water growing up. My family and I
would carry jugs of water back from the run off. We had no heat except
the heat from the woodstove we owned. But this was the poorest I have
ever been. Sometimes we hardly had any food and I saw my younger
sister and brother beg for food. Furthermore, at this time in my life,
I met my best friend. She had great faith in Jesus. You could tell she
loved Him and her family and she lived for Him. She wouldn''t push her
faith on me, but she would invite me to go to church - to church
activities - and was excited and ready to answer the many questions I
would ask about Christianity. My best friend and the horrifying
experiences from my past drew me closer to Jesus and helped me to make
Him my hero and king.
At purity weekend the messages about sexual purity, how special and
unique my body is, and how much I am worth really brought out what was
hiding deep inside of me for many years. I finally understood why with
the sexual abuse, why I was created the way I was, and learned that my
virginity that I had been struggling to save, and could have been
forced to give away was not only special to me but to Jesus and my
future husband. I didn''t feel like I was worth much due to the abuse I
had experienced, and the way I had to live, but I learned that I was
worth more than I felt because of Jesus'' sacrifice. A week before
purity weekend I had had phone sex with a guy in my grade and as I sat
there in that church listening to the women speaker, I felt a very
deep guilt, the worst guilt I have ever felt before. I knew what I
needed to do, so I ran to one of the girl leaders and confessed what I
did and how I felt, I couldn''t hold back the tears... I was convicted
as the Holy Spirit worked inside of me for the first time. She took me
to a small room and helped me to confess what I did to Jesus, helped
me to ask for His forgiveness and accept that He died for me, then
defeated death itself and then we asked Him to help me live for Him
and I thanked Jesus.
For about a month after I had said that prayer and made Jesus the Lord
and Savior of my life, I was filled with the Holy Spirit and
excitement. Nothing could take my new faith away and I liked the
knowledge and feeling of having a savior. I was filled to the top with
everything I needed. I felt completed. Despite all these great
feelings, that didn''t change the home life I went back to, my old
habits, my selfish ways, or how my family decided to live.
Jesus has taken me in, adopted me and cleaned me up, but is still
always doing the work He does of cleaning me up, teaching me, putting
me through trials, struggles and things to make me cling to Him and
grow into someone like who Jesus was and is. It wasn''t easy and still
isn''t easy giving up everything for Jesus and learning to obey Him and
not ignore Him in every area of life. In the beginning of my faith I
remember it being very hard for me to continue to build and grow this
relationship with somebody I couldn''t see or hear with my physical
eyes and ears. I learned then to have faith in the smallest of things
and to trust God even when I doubted or wasn''t thinking clearly. I
also was struggling to understand the grace and forgiveness of Jesus
and dealing with a habitual sin. Then an amazing thing happened as I
prayed about this struggle and sin... God gave me this vision - like a
daydream sort of - and it helped me to understand what really happened
at the cross.
This is what happened in my daydream: I find myself in the crowd
watching Jesus carry His cross to the Crucifixion ground (Skull Hill).
He is all bloody and pain is written on His face. He can hardly stand
up. He looks at me and I want to go tell him, "I''m sorry," but my feet
won''t move. My mind then takes me to the foot of the cross. I''m there
alone and I''m praying. I hear a deep, soothing, calm voice. I look up
and am staring into Jesus'' fiery orange eyes. He says to me, "It''s OK,
I''m here." Then there is complete silence and I''m showered in
protection. I fall into His mighty arms and am loved. That''s not the
only things that God has showed me and taught me though.
For the past two years I have battled depression, suicidal thoughts,
suicidal attempts, and cutting. I have become closer to Jesus, learned
to trust Him with the little faith I did have, that grew and grew
during these times of depression. He has set me free from the suicidal
thoughts, wanting to commit suicide/need to give up completely and
cutting. I thank Him every day for letting me survive those times that
I was so close to death. I learned to turn to Him and use the weapons
He has given me to fight many temptations like cutting. Likewise,
throughout these three years that I have been a Christian, I have
learned so much about who I was and am growing into being. I continue
to learn more about Jesus and what He has done for me everyday too. I
see progress most of the time in my attitude, behavior, and thoughts.
I see change sometimes in myself because of the work of the Holy
Spirit, and then other times I get stuck and need to figure out what
is holding me back from moving forward. I am very thankful for the
family of God that I do have and the support, guidance, advice and
help they have shown me. I am learning, and growing into living
everyday for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! I hope and pray that my
lifestyle and daily habits honor glorify and make our God smile!
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